Why do I even bother?

I am feeling like an epic failure at this. I just wanna give up and stay fat and get kicked out of the military. I'm back up to 199...seriously! My family doesn't notice all I do for them. I know breing wife & mom is a thankless job but come on!!! I'm tired of being talked down too. I'm tired of ingrateful kids giving me attitude whenever I ask them to do anything. I am tired of doing everything. I need some frickin help!!!! Can't you vaccum? Can't you cook dinner? Aren't you supposed to empty the dishwasher & take out the trash? UUUGGGHHH!!!! The hloidays just have me overwhelmed. Plus I was a little dissappointed with my Christmas. I'm trying to get back on the ball. I have to.... I am going to Weight Watchers again. I am trackeing my points. I started taking Alli ... we shall see. My vacation is over on Monday. Maybe going back to work will help. I will be on a normal work schedule again. I just gotta stop all this emotional eating. Piss me off and I can consume over 500 calories in less than 60 seconds!!!

My nemisis arrives...THE HOILDAYS!!!!

This is the worse time of year to try & lose weight! Party after party. meal after meal. cookie after cookie. drink after drink after drink after drink after drink after drink.... The calories add up and the gym time dwindles. I am doing good so far. I allow myself freebie Saturdays, as long as I do go to the gym before lunch. And I try not to go too over board. I have noticed my pants feeling looser, even my work pants! I just have to stay motivated. I think I am going to do the 30 day shred again. I always quit after week 1 maybe I will honestly do it this time. Who knows!?!?! I saw pictures of me from our holiday party and I wanted to cry. I looked amazing...from the neck up! I gotta fight this flab! It's late! I hate blogging when I'm sleepy. Night Night Internet!!!

Time is flying by

I am sad yet relieved that 2010 is almost over. This has been the worst year of my adult life. I have had so much drama,trauma, and chaos that I am ready for 2011. With that being said, I am beginning to question what will I do spectacular in 2011? I cannot go on like 2010. I must make changes. I feel I can do great things... I know I can do great thing...I want to do great things. So I think I am claiming 2011 as my great redo!!! I am redoing my thinking, my body, my spirit and my life total. I feel like I am failing at this weight loss thing. I am looking forward to moving back on a normal shift. I cannot wait! I want to feel like my life is back in order! 4 more days til mini vaca starts!!! I know I keep saying this but I can't wait for 2011. I love New Years! This one will honestly be a restart for me. I am feeling inspired & motivated! I am not letting anyone hold me back or down. I can so do this. I need to do this. I sound like a crazy motivational speaker but I have to be my own cheerleader. Unfortunately others let you down and I need to be lifted up!

WOOOHOO!!!

I kicked the PT test's ass!!! I am still struggling with push ups but I can still hit the minimul requirment.  I weighed in today at Weight Watchers and I lost 3.8 lbs this week. 7 total!!! WOOOHOOO!!!! This is still hard for me but I am managing. My neighbor has agreed to be my gym buddy. so that is good. I can use more motivation & accountability!!! well I got to run & get ready for work.

Tomorrow is another weight in

I don't like the new Weight Watchers program. I gained 2 points but I feel like EVERYTHING went up in point values so I am afraid to eat anything!!! I have to weigh in again tomorrow and I pray for no gain. I have the monthlys so I am sure I am gonna be up. I am so slacking on exercise. It is hard to keep motivated when I see no loss and my body feels like I have been beaten with a bag of rocks.

Work drama is smoothing out. After the holiday schedule, I will be placed on a normal 8-4 shift ( i hope! I was told I would be!). That will get me back in a normal family friendly schedule. I am looking forward to that. Hell I am looking forward to the holiday schedule!! I need a mini vaca!!! I have been given a little more time to get qualified at work so that has relieved alot of my worries. I still have to push for it and give alot of my own time but there is no longer a ridiculous deadline over me.

Home is good. Kid #1 had a birthday. She is 10 now! I am worried. Everyday I see her Innocent childhood slipping away. I feel like I missed out on so much by being as distant and busy as I have been. At times, I feel like I don't know how to be a Mom so I push away from them. I have recently learned that they don't know when you are clueless. But I still feel bad over the wasted time. I feel like I am too hard on her. Like I am always screaming at her. I think I forget that just because she is so frickin smart doesn't mean she isn't a kid.

I am feeling a bit depressed. I think it's the weather. Maybe the holiday blues. Maybe my schedule...I'm not sure what it is but I gotta shake it. I am taking B6 and Magnesium. maybe I need more D. I might hit up a tanning bed. Maybe that will help me. How silly a black chick tanning but hey I love the sun and the winter has got me blah!

Another weekend is upon us & I still haven't lost any weight!

I ACTUALLY GAINED WEIGHT!!!!

Back to 199! I am NOT happy! IDK what my deal is. I have slacked at the gym due to excess work hours. And I think Thanksgiving left overs have haunted me a bit much. I have worked out some of my stressful situations. So maybe this week will bring a big loss. I think I'm going to cut out dairy this week & see if there is an impact. I also want to do the 30 day shred and see if that gives me a boost in my workouts. This has been the hardest weight loss of my life. But I have never been this heavy nor had this much "life drama" to deal with. I know I can do it. I wasn't always this heavy & being older is on excuse!!!