This is me feeling exhausted

I am beyond frustrated. I don't seem to be losing ANY weight at all. I have to weigh in for work and take another PT test on Friday and I swear that I have made no improvements. I am eating okay. I did slack on food & gyn time on Thanksgiving amd the following day. But I have gotten back on track. I am so annoyed and stressed out. It might just be PMS...who knows! I am just exhausted and bitchy. Plus I have felt sick to my stomach for the last 3 days. Work has me stressed out. I am so frickin tired that I can't function at home. I am annoyed byThe Man. He needs to lay off the frickin xbox & help clean a little more!!! ( and stop yelling at the damn game! It's fucking annoying!!!!) I kinda hate holiday time. I miss my family! My Dad & my brother! I hate that I don't have a better relationship with my mom & sisters. I miss people who were once important in my life and have gone away. I miss the friendships that time & distance have taken away from me. I miss having a BFF. I need someone to unload on besides The Man. I don't know. I have hit a depressed funk. I need to shake it off. I nee a gym buddy or a new workout routine...something to change. IDK...maybe it is just PMS and I need a nap!

The weekend is almost over

Thanksgiving was good. I did pig out but I stayed with in my points and all is good. I didn't work out Thursday cause the gym was closed.  And friday I just didn't feel like it. But I did play Wii with the kiddos for a bit..that counts right!LOL! I did go to the gym today & I ate pretty good so I will live. I am so frickin tired. Work is killing me. Aleast I will be on a normal shift in january. I love that the hubby is being really supportive. This time of year sucks...candy, desserts, parties!! I just gotta stay focused & keep my goal in mind. This will be the last time I wear size 16 jeans!!!

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

It's been a few days....life got hectic! I am still doing good. I have skipped a few gym days in order for me time. But I am still doing good. I went to Weight Watchers this week and I'm down 2.6. I am currently at 196. Some days I wanna quit. but i know I cannot quit. I will not quit. I love watching the Biggest Loser. It gives me motivation. It inspires me every week. I only want to lose 50 lbs. These people leave their familes behind and lose hundreds of pounds in a few months....I CAN DO THIS!!!

I know that I have my husband to hold down the fort while I take care of me. And I an thankful for that. I am thankful that I have the job that I have. I have never had to worry about our next meal, losing our house, our having our utilties cut off. I have friends and family who work pay check to pay check and sweat every bill every meal. I am gratful that I don't have to worry about that. I am gratful that I can give my kiddos everything they need and want.

Just a quit blogging to say I am okay. things are still going well. and I have not lost faith in myself.


Push me all you want...I WILL NEVER STOP PUSING BACK!!!!

Doing Alright

It's Saturday night and I have survived thus far! I did skip the gym on Friday but I ate pretty healthy & only had one vodka & club soda. Today I splurged on Starbucks. A Skinny latte so not too bad. I took the kid's swimming for an hour and an half so that counts as a work out right? I hate keeping track of everything I put in my mouth. Crap I just remembered that I ate 1/2 of a cupcake...SHIT!!! Oh well!  I can't believe the weekend is almost over. It makes me sad that I feel like i don't enjoy the weekends anymore. There is nothing to do in this town but go out to the bars and drink. I miss muesuems, malls, movie theathers with more than 1 flick playing...a real city! I will get to move soon enough and I can go back to a "normal" life! I cannot let this place hold me back or make me depressed.  IDK...I can't think right now. I'm not feeling this tonight. I'm tired of feeling alone.

The weekend is upon us and I am worried.

It's early Friday morning.This is usually when I crash & burn. I did great Thurday. I hit the gym. I wasn't too hungry. I could have eaten more fruit today but oh well. I got off work early . I needed some late night me time. I love watching silly chick flicks alone while my family sleeps peacefully upstairs.

The weekend is when everyone has little parties and get togethers. There is always food & drinks.I know Weight Watchers allows for this kinda stuff but I'm thinking it's week 1...I might pass. If I do hang out with friends I will just make sure I eat before I go and I just won't drink. I will have to sqeeze in gym time but I have my man keeping me on track. I love him dearly...he is my rock!!! I am lucky that I have such a great little family. The are my main reason for wanting to change my life. I need to be able to keep up with my Kiddos. I want to stop all the dieting and body issues bs. I don't want my daughter to see it. She has already made comments to the effect of " Momma can't have that cause she's on a diet" and " I can't eat that cause I don't wanna get fat ". It breaks my heart! She is a perfectly normal healthy little girl and I don't want my baggage to become her baggage.  I'm trying to do the best I can and I pray everyday that I don't ruin my son & daughter.

I know I am stronger than I give myself credit for. But somewhere along the way I lost my strength. I let myself get so beaten down that I lost my confidence. I used to be fearless! I was unstoppable!!! I want that back so frickin' bad! The Man told me that when we met that is what he loved about me. I was absolutely kick ass! I took nothing from no one and I never backed down. The stresses of this last year has turned me into a kicked puppy.  I am trying to return to myself. Trying very hard. I know I can do this. I have to do this!

Today was okay

I am lucky enough to have a supervisor who will let me workout during our shift. I totally lacked the desire to go to the gym today but I went. I went and I did an hour of cardio. I am proud of me. I ate pretty good today too! I did have some fried okra but only a 1/2 cup.

The shock of actually weighing 200lbs has put me into a kinda funk. That plus working Midnight shift... I have never been this heavy without being pregnant. I am sad that I have let myself fall apart like this. I am embarassed that I eat instead of expressing my emotions. I am embarassed that I eat to such excess. I know what to eat. I know how much is too much but I still do it. Hopefully , I can work through my personal issues and make this work. My husband is nothing but supportive. He is okay with there being no junk food in the house and the healthier meals. He doesn't mind me going to the gym when I need to. I just had dumping all of my "baggage" onto him. He knows that work is hard. He knows that I am stressed. He knows that I am having family drama. But He doesn't get why it bothers me so much. I have a wicked need to fix everything... to help everyone..to make everything perfect. I don't adapt well to loss or failure and this year I have had a lot of both. My Mom had a severe stroke in the begining of the year and has been paralyzed ever since. My Dad has had tons of surgeries, Major surgeries, this year. Luckily he is a fighter and is doing fabulous. My Grandma may lose her home . Her home for longer than I have been alive and there seems to be no help for her. I loss my flight qualifications at work and it crushed me. I lost the best part of my job. I got in trouble at work over something silly and now I am under the microscope. I have switched to a whole new aircraft and I have to get requalified on a whole new airframe. It is frickin hard! I feel so clueless!! My Grandmother in law passed away. My Father in law got sick. My Brother in law got married on a whim and we weren't able to attend and I got deployed.

Life has been hectic and I haven't adapted well. But I am trying. I have to try. I must change because I cannot remain the person who I have become.

Why am I doing this...

I'm not 100% sure why I am doing this or even if it's a good idea. But I am doing it and I hope it helps. I have gone through a lot this year and alot of this is wearing on me. Physically, mentally, emotinally...all around. I am a talker so I need to "talk" it out.

I have offically hit 200 lbs. This is a bad thing. I am over my MAW for work. I feel like crap. I look like crap. I am always sick. I have no energy. I am throughly embaressed. I only have 14 lbs to get back under my MAW but 186 is still pretty frickin big for a woman who is 5' 9". Some of you may feel otherwise but that is my opinion. So this is me...laying it all out there, as I start my journey to get back the person I want to be. I know I can be. To refind the happiness and confidence in myself that I have lost.