Why do I even bother?

I am feeling like an epic failure at this. I just wanna give up and stay fat and get kicked out of the military. I'm back up to 199...seriously! My family doesn't notice all I do for them. I know breing wife & mom is a thankless job but come on!!! I'm tired of being talked down too. I'm tired of ingrateful kids giving me attitude whenever I ask them to do anything. I am tired of doing everything. I need some frickin help!!!! Can't you vaccum? Can't you cook dinner? Aren't you supposed to empty the dishwasher & take out the trash? UUUGGGHHH!!!! The hloidays just have me overwhelmed. Plus I was a little dissappointed with my Christmas. I'm trying to get back on the ball. I have to.... I am going to Weight Watchers again. I am trackeing my points. I started taking Alli ... we shall see. My vacation is over on Monday. Maybe going back to work will help. I will be on a normal work schedule again. I just gotta stop all this emotional eating. Piss me off and I can consume over 500 calories in less than 60 seconds!!!

My nemisis arrives...THE HOILDAYS!!!!

This is the worse time of year to try & lose weight! Party after party. meal after meal. cookie after cookie. drink after drink after drink after drink after drink after drink.... The calories add up and the gym time dwindles. I am doing good so far. I allow myself freebie Saturdays, as long as I do go to the gym before lunch. And I try not to go too over board. I have noticed my pants feeling looser, even my work pants! I just have to stay motivated. I think I am going to do the 30 day shred again. I always quit after week 1 maybe I will honestly do it this time. Who knows!?!?! I saw pictures of me from our holiday party and I wanted to cry. I looked amazing...from the neck up! I gotta fight this flab! It's late! I hate blogging when I'm sleepy. Night Night Internet!!!

Time is flying by

I am sad yet relieved that 2010 is almost over. This has been the worst year of my adult life. I have had so much drama,trauma, and chaos that I am ready for 2011. With that being said, I am beginning to question what will I do spectacular in 2011? I cannot go on like 2010. I must make changes. I feel I can do great things... I know I can do great thing...I want to do great things. So I think I am claiming 2011 as my great redo!!! I am redoing my thinking, my body, my spirit and my life total. I feel like I am failing at this weight loss thing. I am looking forward to moving back on a normal shift. I cannot wait! I want to feel like my life is back in order! 4 more days til mini vaca starts!!! I know I keep saying this but I can't wait for 2011. I love New Years! This one will honestly be a restart for me. I am feeling inspired & motivated! I am not letting anyone hold me back or down. I can so do this. I need to do this. I sound like a crazy motivational speaker but I have to be my own cheerleader. Unfortunately others let you down and I need to be lifted up!

WOOOHOO!!!

I kicked the PT test's ass!!! I am still struggling with push ups but I can still hit the minimul requirment.  I weighed in today at Weight Watchers and I lost 3.8 lbs this week. 7 total!!! WOOOHOOO!!!! This is still hard for me but I am managing. My neighbor has agreed to be my gym buddy. so that is good. I can use more motivation & accountability!!! well I got to run & get ready for work.

Tomorrow is another weight in

I don't like the new Weight Watchers program. I gained 2 points but I feel like EVERYTHING went up in point values so I am afraid to eat anything!!! I have to weigh in again tomorrow and I pray for no gain. I have the monthlys so I am sure I am gonna be up. I am so slacking on exercise. It is hard to keep motivated when I see no loss and my body feels like I have been beaten with a bag of rocks.

Work drama is smoothing out. After the holiday schedule, I will be placed on a normal 8-4 shift ( i hope! I was told I would be!). That will get me back in a normal family friendly schedule. I am looking forward to that. Hell I am looking forward to the holiday schedule!! I need a mini vaca!!! I have been given a little more time to get qualified at work so that has relieved alot of my worries. I still have to push for it and give alot of my own time but there is no longer a ridiculous deadline over me.

Home is good. Kid #1 had a birthday. She is 10 now! I am worried. Everyday I see her Innocent childhood slipping away. I feel like I missed out on so much by being as distant and busy as I have been. At times, I feel like I don't know how to be a Mom so I push away from them. I have recently learned that they don't know when you are clueless. But I still feel bad over the wasted time. I feel like I am too hard on her. Like I am always screaming at her. I think I forget that just because she is so frickin smart doesn't mean she isn't a kid.

I am feeling a bit depressed. I think it's the weather. Maybe the holiday blues. Maybe my schedule...I'm not sure what it is but I gotta shake it. I am taking B6 and Magnesium. maybe I need more D. I might hit up a tanning bed. Maybe that will help me. How silly a black chick tanning but hey I love the sun and the winter has got me blah!

Another weekend is upon us & I still haven't lost any weight!

I ACTUALLY GAINED WEIGHT!!!!

Back to 199! I am NOT happy! IDK what my deal is. I have slacked at the gym due to excess work hours. And I think Thanksgiving left overs have haunted me a bit much. I have worked out some of my stressful situations. So maybe this week will bring a big loss. I think I'm going to cut out dairy this week & see if there is an impact. I also want to do the 30 day shred and see if that gives me a boost in my workouts. This has been the hardest weight loss of my life. But I have never been this heavy nor had this much "life drama" to deal with. I know I can do it. I wasn't always this heavy & being older is on excuse!!!

This is me feeling exhausted

I am beyond frustrated. I don't seem to be losing ANY weight at all. I have to weigh in for work and take another PT test on Friday and I swear that I have made no improvements. I am eating okay. I did slack on food & gyn time on Thanksgiving amd the following day. But I have gotten back on track. I am so annoyed and stressed out. It might just be PMS...who knows! I am just exhausted and bitchy. Plus I have felt sick to my stomach for the last 3 days. Work has me stressed out. I am so frickin tired that I can't function at home. I am annoyed byThe Man. He needs to lay off the frickin xbox & help clean a little more!!! ( and stop yelling at the damn game! It's fucking annoying!!!!) I kinda hate holiday time. I miss my family! My Dad & my brother! I hate that I don't have a better relationship with my mom & sisters. I miss people who were once important in my life and have gone away. I miss the friendships that time & distance have taken away from me. I miss having a BFF. I need someone to unload on besides The Man. I don't know. I have hit a depressed funk. I need to shake it off. I nee a gym buddy or a new workout routine...something to change. IDK...maybe it is just PMS and I need a nap!

The weekend is almost over

Thanksgiving was good. I did pig out but I stayed with in my points and all is good. I didn't work out Thursday cause the gym was closed.  And friday I just didn't feel like it. But I did play Wii with the kiddos for a bit..that counts right!LOL! I did go to the gym today & I ate pretty good so I will live. I am so frickin tired. Work is killing me. Aleast I will be on a normal shift in january. I love that the hubby is being really supportive. This time of year sucks...candy, desserts, parties!! I just gotta stay focused & keep my goal in mind. This will be the last time I wear size 16 jeans!!!

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

It's been a few days....life got hectic! I am still doing good. I have skipped a few gym days in order for me time. But I am still doing good. I went to Weight Watchers this week and I'm down 2.6. I am currently at 196. Some days I wanna quit. but i know I cannot quit. I will not quit. I love watching the Biggest Loser. It gives me motivation. It inspires me every week. I only want to lose 50 lbs. These people leave their familes behind and lose hundreds of pounds in a few months....I CAN DO THIS!!!

I know that I have my husband to hold down the fort while I take care of me. And I an thankful for that. I am thankful that I have the job that I have. I have never had to worry about our next meal, losing our house, our having our utilties cut off. I have friends and family who work pay check to pay check and sweat every bill every meal. I am gratful that I don't have to worry about that. I am gratful that I can give my kiddos everything they need and want.

Just a quit blogging to say I am okay. things are still going well. and I have not lost faith in myself.


Push me all you want...I WILL NEVER STOP PUSING BACK!!!!

Doing Alright

It's Saturday night and I have survived thus far! I did skip the gym on Friday but I ate pretty healthy & only had one vodka & club soda. Today I splurged on Starbucks. A Skinny latte so not too bad. I took the kid's swimming for an hour and an half so that counts as a work out right? I hate keeping track of everything I put in my mouth. Crap I just remembered that I ate 1/2 of a cupcake...SHIT!!! Oh well!  I can't believe the weekend is almost over. It makes me sad that I feel like i don't enjoy the weekends anymore. There is nothing to do in this town but go out to the bars and drink. I miss muesuems, malls, movie theathers with more than 1 flick playing...a real city! I will get to move soon enough and I can go back to a "normal" life! I cannot let this place hold me back or make me depressed.  IDK...I can't think right now. I'm not feeling this tonight. I'm tired of feeling alone.

The weekend is upon us and I am worried.

It's early Friday morning.This is usually when I crash & burn. I did great Thurday. I hit the gym. I wasn't too hungry. I could have eaten more fruit today but oh well. I got off work early . I needed some late night me time. I love watching silly chick flicks alone while my family sleeps peacefully upstairs.

The weekend is when everyone has little parties and get togethers. There is always food & drinks.I know Weight Watchers allows for this kinda stuff but I'm thinking it's week 1...I might pass. If I do hang out with friends I will just make sure I eat before I go and I just won't drink. I will have to sqeeze in gym time but I have my man keeping me on track. I love him dearly...he is my rock!!! I am lucky that I have such a great little family. The are my main reason for wanting to change my life. I need to be able to keep up with my Kiddos. I want to stop all the dieting and body issues bs. I don't want my daughter to see it. She has already made comments to the effect of " Momma can't have that cause she's on a diet" and " I can't eat that cause I don't wanna get fat ". It breaks my heart! She is a perfectly normal healthy little girl and I don't want my baggage to become her baggage.  I'm trying to do the best I can and I pray everyday that I don't ruin my son & daughter.

I know I am stronger than I give myself credit for. But somewhere along the way I lost my strength. I let myself get so beaten down that I lost my confidence. I used to be fearless! I was unstoppable!!! I want that back so frickin' bad! The Man told me that when we met that is what he loved about me. I was absolutely kick ass! I took nothing from no one and I never backed down. The stresses of this last year has turned me into a kicked puppy.  I am trying to return to myself. Trying very hard. I know I can do this. I have to do this!

Today was okay

I am lucky enough to have a supervisor who will let me workout during our shift. I totally lacked the desire to go to the gym today but I went. I went and I did an hour of cardio. I am proud of me. I ate pretty good today too! I did have some fried okra but only a 1/2 cup.

The shock of actually weighing 200lbs has put me into a kinda funk. That plus working Midnight shift... I have never been this heavy without being pregnant. I am sad that I have let myself fall apart like this. I am embarassed that I eat instead of expressing my emotions. I am embarassed that I eat to such excess. I know what to eat. I know how much is too much but I still do it. Hopefully , I can work through my personal issues and make this work. My husband is nothing but supportive. He is okay with there being no junk food in the house and the healthier meals. He doesn't mind me going to the gym when I need to. I just had dumping all of my "baggage" onto him. He knows that work is hard. He knows that I am stressed. He knows that I am having family drama. But He doesn't get why it bothers me so much. I have a wicked need to fix everything... to help everyone..to make everything perfect. I don't adapt well to loss or failure and this year I have had a lot of both. My Mom had a severe stroke in the begining of the year and has been paralyzed ever since. My Dad has had tons of surgeries, Major surgeries, this year. Luckily he is a fighter and is doing fabulous. My Grandma may lose her home . Her home for longer than I have been alive and there seems to be no help for her. I loss my flight qualifications at work and it crushed me. I lost the best part of my job. I got in trouble at work over something silly and now I am under the microscope. I have switched to a whole new aircraft and I have to get requalified on a whole new airframe. It is frickin hard! I feel so clueless!! My Grandmother in law passed away. My Father in law got sick. My Brother in law got married on a whim and we weren't able to attend and I got deployed.

Life has been hectic and I haven't adapted well. But I am trying. I have to try. I must change because I cannot remain the person who I have become.

Why am I doing this...

I'm not 100% sure why I am doing this or even if it's a good idea. But I am doing it and I hope it helps. I have gone through a lot this year and alot of this is wearing on me. Physically, mentally, emotinally...all around. I am a talker so I need to "talk" it out.

I have offically hit 200 lbs. This is a bad thing. I am over my MAW for work. I feel like crap. I look like crap. I am always sick. I have no energy. I am throughly embaressed. I only have 14 lbs to get back under my MAW but 186 is still pretty frickin big for a woman who is 5' 9". Some of you may feel otherwise but that is my opinion. So this is me...laying it all out there, as I start my journey to get back the person I want to be. I know I can be. To refind the happiness and confidence in myself that I have lost.